Should a Catholic Date a Non-Catholic Who Is an Otherwise ‘Good’ Person?

Marriages Between Two Religions (i.e., Mixed Marriages)

Since dating^[i] is always preparation and discernment to find a spouse for the Sacrament of Matrimony, the question of whether a Catholic can date a non-Catholic who is otherwise a seemingly “good person”^[ii] directly concerns the Church’s laws on marriage. And obeying the Church’s laws on marriage is one of the Church’s six precepts, all of which we must observe under pain of grave sin.

The Baltimore Catechism provides good background on the topic by explaining what these marriages are called and why they should generally be avoided:

1. 1038. What are the marriages of Catholics with persons of a different religion called, and when does the Church permit them by dispensation?

1. 1. The marriages of Catholics with persons of a different religion are called mixed marriages. The Church permits them by dispensation only under certain conditions and for urgent reasons; chiefly to prevent a greater evil.

1. 1042. Why should Catholics avoid mixed marriages?

1. 1. Catholics should avoid mixed marriages: 1. Because they are displeasing to the Church and cannot bring with them the full measure of God’s grace and blessing; 2. Because the children should have the good example of both parents in the practice of their religion; 3. Because such marriages give rise to frequent disputes on religious questions between husband and wife and between their relatives; 4. Because the one not a Catholic, disregarding the sacred character of the Sacrament, may claim a divorce and marry again, leaving the Catholic married and abandoned.

1. 1039. What are the conditions upon which the Church will permit a Catholic to marry one who is not a Catholic?

1. 1. The conditions upon which the Church will permit a Catholic to marry one who is not a Catholic are: 1. That the Catholic be allowed the free exercise of his or her religion; 2. That the Catholic shall try by teaching and good example to lead the one who is not a Catholic to embrace the true faith; 3. That all the children born of the marriage shall be brought up in the Catholic religion. The marriage ceremony must not be repeated before a heretical minister. Without these promises, the Church will not consent to a mixed marriage, and if the Church does not consent the marriage is unlawful.

1. 1041. How does the Church show its displeasure at mixed marriages?

1. 1. The Church shows its displeasure at mixed marriages by the coldness with which it sanctions them, prohibiting all religious ceremony at them by forbidding the priest to use any sacred vestments, holy water or blessing of the ring at such marriages; by prohibiting them also from taking place in the Church or even in the sacristy. On the other hand, the Church shows its joy and approval at a true Catholic marriage by the Nuptial Mass and solemn ceremonies.

As such, mixed marriages are to be avoided and are never the goal, even if they are tolerated in certain instances.

Note: The Baltimore Catechism presents the traditional practice of the Church. We know that children are more likely to remain Catholic when both parents faithfully practice the Faith. Thus, the end of this pastoral practice is the salvation of souls (parents and children).  Regrettably, many priests and laity are no longer adhering to this prudent teaching.

Catholics Shouldn’t Date Non-Catholics

Given the clear teachings of the Church as expressed through the Baltimore Catechism, what is a Catholic to do who would like to date a non-Catholic? Dating is after all a preparation for marriage. In short, a Catholic should generally not even consider entering a relationship with a non-Catholic, regardless of his natural qualities. Father Rodriguez gave an answer to this same question, and he concluded with five great recommendations:

1. Trust in God
2. Be Patient
3. Value, above all else, the Catholic Faith
4. Redouble Your Own Efforts to Practice the Faith Well
5. Pray for the grace to be willing to sacrifice anything or anyone for the sake of Christ.

What If the Non-Catholic Is Willing to Convert?

If the other person expresses an interest and desire to convert to the Catholic Faith in order to enter a relationship, that is a good sign and one that a traditional Catholic priest should help you through. Seek his guidance to help you discern this situation since he can offer counsel as an unbiased, third-party whose only goal is your salvation.

Practical Guidance for Converting a Non-Catholic Spouse

Even with the Church’s disapproval of mixed marriages, such couples nevertheless still enter into Holy Matrimony. What should someone who is in a mixed marriage do to help bring about the conversion of the spouse? To this end, good example and persevering prayer are foundational as the Catholic Advance Newsletter stated in its recommendation nearly 90 years ago:

“How can a Catholic wife try to convert her Protestant husband? This she can do by a good example, by constant and persevering prayer, by Catholic books and magazines in the home and by explaining the Catholic Church to him. Often a reason why a non-Catholic in a mixed marriage is not converted is because the Catholic party is very ignorant herself about the Catholic Church.” (The Catholic Advance Newsletter, Wichita, Kansas, Feb 3, 1934)

We also see through the saints how the power of prayer and perseverance for those in mixed marriages can bring about the conversion of one’s spouse. St. Monica is the best example. She was a Christian, while her husband, Patricius, was a pagan. St. Monica’s steadfast faith and prayers played a significant role in the conversion of both her husband and her son, St. Augustine, who went on to become one of the Church’s most influential theologians.

Conclusion

Through the intercession of St. Monica, may all those in similar situations help bring about the conversion of the other party and, in the process, ensure that all the children are raised in the Catholic Faith – understanding its singular importance for salvation, its beauty, and its divine origin.

Above all, salvation alone matters. Nothing else will last. All our actions must be orientated toward this end.

ENDNOTES:

^[i] We understand that there is a debate between “courting” and “dating” in some Catholic circles. The term “courting” is often considered preparation and discernment for Holy Matrimony taken seriously, whereas “dating” is done casually with an end of pleasure (having fun) and may or may not be considering marriage as an end goal. This article is not intended to be part of that discussion. (Listen to a talk on Honorable Courtship: The Way to a Happy Marriage.)

^[ii] We often err by applying the term “good person” in purely natural terms. Yet Our Lord Himself said, “None is good but one, that is God” (Mk 10:18). Why did He say this? Because on our own, in our fallen natural state, none of us can be supernaturally good of ourselves entirely and essentially, but God alone. Only God is good. He is All Good and He is the source of all grace.

From the perspective of Faith, we could say the “good” person is the one who is in the state of sanctifying grace. He is not good of his own power, but by God’s grace, by the Holy Ghost dwelling within him. This is also the eternal perspective. After all, the one who dies in the state of grace will go to Heaven. Yet if a man is not in the state of grace when he dies, he will suffer hell for all eternity. Does it make sense to call a person who will spend eternity in hell a “good” person? And since we can’t judge the internal state of a person’s soul, knowing who is in the state of grace and who is not, it makes perfect sense to follow Our Lord’s counsel.